I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
