Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
