You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
