cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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