I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
