Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
