awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just want to make out with him forever
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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