I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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