Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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