somebody snuck up and got me drunk
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
that may or may not have been my penis.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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