if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
