i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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