So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
