I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
