I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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