Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
