Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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