I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize