my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize