I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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