i need an iv and a liver transplant
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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