saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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