I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
