JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
