Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
