have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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