My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
