I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
