You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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