I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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