Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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