$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize