I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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