I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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