someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
