If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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