I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
