yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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