Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
40s are totally the cure
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
