Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
