4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
