i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
