gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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