I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
