I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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