why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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