Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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