bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
