I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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