before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
