i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
