Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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