We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize