You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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