Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
