I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
