I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize