I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
