So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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