why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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