Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
