So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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