She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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